Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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