he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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