Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
