It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
