He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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