my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
