just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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