Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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