Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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