I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
