We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
