Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
