I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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