Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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