You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
