mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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