All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
