so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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