I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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