Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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