Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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