On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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