watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
It's blow job season.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I fill condoms, not promises.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
