the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
