tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
