Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
