i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My breasts were aching with rage.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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