There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
