well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
