Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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