So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
