She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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