i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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