I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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