If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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