Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
