I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
