did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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