I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
