Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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