He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
