Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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