Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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