She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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