Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
