Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Vodka?
Forever.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
