someone threw a dead crab at me
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
