I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
