I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
