Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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