This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
not ubering you a puppy
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
