last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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