low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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