wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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