you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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