Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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