Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
