Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
