you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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