my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
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