I think I died a long time ago.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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