i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
