I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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